A new year

Global warming is real, don't let anyone tell you differently.  I'm sure that a lot of it is the result of humans, but I also think it's possibly part of the cycles of climate change on this planet over millions of years.  Either way, as a parent I worry about the implications.  As a person, I love it!  How else could I enjoy a 60 degree day on the trail in mid-January!

While pushing my now almost-3yr old in her stroller, I thought about this dormant blog.  I realized it's been almost 2yrs.  The ankle has healed, although it makes its presence known every time I get even a little active, even as simple as climbing stairs. 

I also realized that it's time.  It's time to try and bring the word athlete back into the description of who I am.  Since that last post, I've done a few road races ranging from 5Ks to a half marathon, and 2 or 3 triathlons.  Yet, on a day to day basis, I have been almost singularly focused on being the best mother and wife I can be. 

As my little girl is getting older, though, and notices when I sweat or asks if I'm going to go exercise, it occurs to me that I had made a promise to myself way back when.  A promise that my daughter would grow up in a household that was healthy and active, with a strong and fit mother as a role model.  And right now, I'm failing in this promise. 

You know how sometimes you see yourself in a dream or imagine what you look like? I've realized that the image of myself in my dreams no longer matches reality.  That stubborn ten pounds that has me straining against my jeans, that's slowed my already slow pace, that has impacted my self esteem more than it should.  And, in not too distant history I had a birthday.  One of those big milestone birthdays with a "0" at the end.  That means, becoming again who I want to be is definitely not going to get any easier. 

While I strongly doubt that anyone has even stumbled upon this blog in years, I'm feeling the need to make a sorta public statement.  Not a New Year's resolution.  More a reclamation of a promise.

There isn't an Ironman in the near future, but there's a lot between that and sitting on the couch.  Don't get me wrong, infinite games of Candyland and snuggling while reading Bear on a Bike or Goodnight Moon are as close to perfect as life comes.  And there is a place for it here.  That means, though, that I need to re-appear here as mom, wife, and yes, athlete once again.  Older, slower, yet hopefully an athlete nonetheless. 

Getting Closer

Progress is slow but hopefully steady.  I'm 5-1/2 weeks post injury and starting to actually walk with the crutches instead of hopping around on just one foot.  Not yet ready to walk unassisted, and still wearing the oh-so-attractive "boot".  My clients are just thrilled that I show up for work in yoga pants and cardigans rather than business suits.  But really, would you hop around and slide up and down the stairs on your butt while wearing a business suit? I didn't think so.

The goal is to be both walking and driving by the end of the month.  This is going slowly, but it's my ankle.  If it doesn't heal correctly, life will suck for a long long time, and I'm too young to limp forever ya know?

As I'm starting to walk on it I'm realizing that my calf muscle has completely atrophied.  My first day or two the leg actually wobbled when I put weight on it.  Before I can think about running, I'll be doing tons and I mean tons of calf raises.  For now I'm simply starting with some simple muscle contractions - clenching and relaxing the muscle to try and start toning it even while in the cast. 

A short term challenge is that my mom has been here since the day I broke everything, and she is leaving on Saturday.  She has commitments in Ohio that she can't miss.  We'd hoped I'd be mobile by then.  This is going to place a huge burden on the husband, and much pain and tears for RJ since Mommy can't carry her and Grandma won't be here to cater to her every whim.  Send us good vibes for a speedy return to normality!

I Promise I'm Not Gone Forever

Yep, it's me.  I wish I had something to say and promise I'll be back in blogland eventually.  After setting an ambitious 2011 racing agenda, I fell on the ice in an unplowed parking lot and broke my ankle in three places in late January.

NOT a happy camper these days.  Working/whining from home.  Feeling even more slothful.  Angry that the snow will start melting and March's trail race won't happen.  May's Rev3 won't happen.  And, June's wine country half marathon probably won't happen.  So, I have very little to write on a tri-focused blog.

On a happy note, I am reading your blogs.  And on an even more special note, my little RJ turned 1 yesterday.  It's been an amazing and beautiful year with her!

Train hard.  Run a mile, do a pushup, swim a set for me and hopefully I'll have tales to tell soon!

Slowly but surely

Well, I still haven't made it to the pool or gotten on my bike...does that mean I'm now only an athlete instead of a triathlete? 

Seriously though, life will never be back to "normal", I'm redefinig what that looks like and know that it'll change again when I return to work, as Riley gets older, as she is weaned, as she enters high school, etc, etc, etc... That being said, she is becoming a baby instead of a newborn, and more often than not I actually get a shower on any given day!  And, more and more I'm getting a workout in as well.  She's learning to like or at least tolerate the carseat and therefore get a nap while I log a few miles.

Friend and baby buddy Jen just returned to work this week, but we've had a good power walk or two togehter.  And, how excited am I, but it turns out that one of the women in my new moms group is a running coach/JFK 50-miler 9-time finisher/Ironman-in-training-before-getting-pregnant!  So, we're planning a regular get together starting next week.  Rumor has it that I might even be able to run with the baby jogger before the 6month mark, so now all I need is clearance from the pediatrician.  That will rock, since right now my real workouts are limited until after Stuart gets home or the weekends since I'm getting in long walks during the day but haven't been willing to run with Riley. 

On a down note, we are officially pulling Stuart from IM Lake Placid.  Serious training just hasn't happened.  Plus, my vacation days are all getting dumped into maternity leave, so Riley and I couldn't even make the trip with him.  Needless to say, I'm now trying to do the "buck up little camper" dance with Stuart, reassuring him that there are Ironmans in our future, just not as soon as we'd planned.

Meanwhile, my apologies to all my favorite bloggers, I have much to catch up on in your lives since reading and writing blogs has not been the easiest.  Plus, a triathlon-based blog can only be so interesting when my life currently revolves around eating, sleeping and pooping.  Hmm...actually kind of sounds like tri training without the requisite sweating!

One month already?

Whew.  Everyone tells you that life will change, but you can't imagine the ways in which it will change or excite or exhaust you.  In a blur of days and nights with never-ending rounds of feeding and holding Riley, a month has gone by.  Amazing.  My respect for mothers everywhere, especially those with more than one child, has grown exponentially.

We had a beautiful week of May-like weather this week, so she got much more adept at time in her stroller as I walked as much as I could.  Things are still sore and I'm supposed to be limiting my activity, but it was so critical to just get out. of. the. house. even for 20 or 30 minutes.  And, as I write this, we are using the Baby Bjorn and Riley is asleep.  Suddenly, new worlds might be opening for me and my little one if she's willing to be portable.

Ya' see, Riley refuses to sleep anywhere but in my arms.  Not in her pack and play, not in her carseat, not anywhere.  So I've spent the last month sleeping upright with her in my arms, occasionally trying to trick her by laying her down after she's asleep.  That lasts about 10min before she's awake and screaming. 

My point here being that any activity (including blogging) has been extremely curtailed because even though she sleeps a ton, all that sleeping is done ON ME and I can't use the time to be productive. (You try typing, brushing your teeth, doing dishes, or making lunch one-handed)  My OB has cleared me to do some light upper body weightlifting even, but I can't do that since the only weight I'm lifting is a now-8lb 5oz ball of cuteness.

I'll admit, this has been wonderful but tough.  I shed more than a few tears one day last week -- admitting to enviousness at my husband for his runs and bike rides, while I simply sit holding our beautiful but headstrong daughter.  Even a friend who had a more normal birth ten days before me is already doing 2hr hikes while I sit with baby in one hand and tv remote in the other.  Patience.  I must have patience.  Running and biking clothes will fit again.  I'll get to move and the rest of the baby weight will go away.  Riley will occasionally sleep apart from me.

I know I'll miss this stage once it's gone, but really, if I can't do a 2hr bike ride or go for a run, is a few hours sleep too much to ask!?!?

Girl Power

I spent 6th-12th grade attending an all-girls school, and never exactly excelled at fitting in.  As a result, I found myself throughout high school, and even into college and law school, bashing feminists and pushing against anything with a women-centered agenda.  No real reason, other than to rebel ever so slightly against an environment that I was less than happy in. 

And yet, twenty years later I find myself deeply involved in and thinking about the empowerment and opportunities for young girls.  My first exposure to Girls on the Run brought me to coaching, which has now brought me to a position on its Board of Directors.  I find myself in awe watching the girls I coach grow and learn and eventually mentor each other, wondering who they will be and if the lessons I'm trying to impart will still be making a difference when they are 12 or 15 or 20 years old. 

When I got my coaching certification a year ago, I did so with the idea of using it to help me continue to support and encourage my girlfriends and family to get involved in the sport of triathlon.  The name Tri for Joy reflects one of my primary reasons for participating in this sport -- the joy of achievement, the joy of hard work, the joy of the finish line. 

At the same time, I'm now sitting here waiting the imminent arrival of my own daughter - something I thought I'd never say! This is a reality that makes these issues even more personal and even more important to me, and it's something that Stuart and I talk about a lot.  How will we raise a daughter who embodies all those qualities that are so important -- strength of mind and body and character, self-confidence, kindness, compassion.

This week, my brother was in town attending and participating in a Sports Philanthropy Forum hosted by USA Today newspaper.  While there, he learned of a new initiative by the Nike Foundation to focus investment in projects across the globe that specifically target and benefit adolescent girls.  I wish I knew how to insert videos directly into my blog, but encourage you to watch the two short clips here on their website -- The Girl Effect and I Dare You.  

It's a movement, and it's spreading. 

Not just another new year

It's that time of year, everyone is making plans for tonight and resolutions for the new year.  I'm finding myself doing neither.  New Year's isn't a big holiday for us typically, although it is the night on which Stuart proposed, which was ideal actually since I totally wasn't expecting it.  But I digress.

As I was saying, with just that one exception, it's normally a pretty quiet night for us.  Maybe a get together with another couple.  No big blowouts.  No massive January 1st hangovers.  And I typically don't make new year's resolutions, since I think that decisions about shifting your life in new directions shouldn't be made just because the calendar says so (yes, I appreciate the irony considering my current state!).

Even still, this new year's seems momentous.  I'm looking forward to being asleep well before midnight, partially because I know that I will see far too many midnights (and 2a.m.s and 3a.m.s...) in the months to come.  I still haven't made a "2010 Race Plan" like I have every year for the past five or six years since starting triathlon.  And I know that when I stop to think about the unknowns facing us not just in the next month but in the next 18+ years, it takes my breath away.  December 31st 2002 changed my life forever in ways I would have never foreseen when I willingly and happily agreed to become a wife and stepmother.  In the same way, the dawning of 2010 is bringing about a change greater than I can possibly fathom.  I stand on the edge of this year filled with excitement and fear, anticipation and nervousness, joy and the knowledge that there will be heartache, too.  

With only about 5wks to go, I think I'm about as ready as I'm going to get.  Stuart thinks I'm more ready - mentally, emotionally and physically -- than I realize.  I hope he's right!

Christmas 2009, 34wks pregnant

Pre-Christmas Blizzard

Less than 7wks until the McNugget's scheduled appearance.  That's like 48 days.  A month and a half.  I.e. practically tomorrow!!!  I'm still feeling great and very appreciative for that fact, so I'm not in "I hate being pregnant" mode despite getting very impatient about meeting her.  Random nervous thoughts regularly flicker through my head -- what if she's 10lbs and I've decided on natural childbirth.  what if we can't find good and affordable childcare.  what if the dogs don't deal well.  what if I never have time for another workout ever again.  what if we don't like being parents. what if. what if. what if.

I'm trying to be practical, and tackling the things that I can control.  Take this weekend, for instance.  DC-area got slammed by a blizzard.  Started Friday night and ended early Sunday morning.  We got about 20inches of snow!  As a general rule, I hate the cold and really don't like snow.  But I decided that being trapped in our neighborhood was a good excuse to make some progress on the list of pre-baby honey-do's.  And, there is something magical about a walk in gently falling snow, and there's something in the honest exercise you get from shoveling your own driveway and sidewalk.  Needless to say, I've never attempted either while 7-1/2months pregnant. 

The walk on Saturday morning was great.  At that point we had "only" about 8inches.  The dogs had a blast bounding through the snow, but the extra effort of kicking our way through it definitely got my attention.  I slowed, and took a few breaks on our walk as opposed to trying to race Stuart and the boy-dogs to the top of the street.

Later that afternoon and into Sunday, I was reminded that pregnancy is indeed a limiter as I stayed inside and washed baby clothes and baked cookies while Stuart did all the shoveling.  I did come out to provide moral support and snap a few photos!  The next session of prenatal yoga classes was cancelled, and we pretty much just hunkered down for a few days of getting into the Christmas spirit!

Working out without running - is it a workout?

As part of my new, non-running workout regimen, I decided that I should again give prenatal yoga a try. You always hear that it's the greatest workout ever for expectant women, but truth be told, I've never really seen your basic yoga as a 'workout'. And I don't expect that late in my second trimester that yoga dvd will be telling me to prepare to kick butt and work up a serious sweat! Nonetheless, it was cold and rainy out, so I spread my yoga mat, shooed the dogs away and popped in the dvd.

I was right, this wasn't exactly a calorie blasting, sweat inducing workout, but many of the stretches felt so much better than they otherwise do. Although I'm seeing my body change daily, I'm not always consciously aware of the impact that has on muscle tightness and my already pathetic flexibility. At one point, I felt like making sure I told our childbirth instructor that I was doing this - she'd be proud.

I also did a fairly good job of not feeling like I was in competition with the instructor to stretch further, breathe more deeply or hold a stronger and longer plank pose. Again, even for someone who isn't a star athlete, the lack of competition is another flaw of yoga in my book. This is part of the reason I avoid yoga classes, usually, it's not fun to compete when the others in the class don't realize that we're racing for the deepest downward dog!

The one piece of any home yoga workout that I don't get is the mental element. First, because I sent Stuart to the store while I did yoga, I got no less than four phone calls -- "Where are the frozen berries?", "Which organic yogurt brand do you want?", and my personal favorite "They don't have quinoa, can we use kiwi instead?" (although he was kidding on that one!). Second, is the aforementioned dogs. So, instead of making my way through the guided relaxation they proscribed, which involved me laying on my side, instead Ally the spaniel wandered over and plopped in my lap and we spent ten soothing minutes cuddling and petting. Definitely a relaxing activity, so I think it counts.

Overall, this wasn't as satisfying as a run in the rain with Nick the dog, but I'm going to try and make it a regular part of my week at least until Baby M makes her appearance.

Weekend getaway and a fun run

Knowing there's an extra set of female DNA growing inside me must have given me wings as I ran over 5miles at last Thursday's =PR= women's run.  Trish and I fell back from the main pack about half a mile in, and decided that the planned route was too damn hilly and so we made up our own.  Turns out we misjudged distances and went about a mile further than everyone else, not finishing until about 20min after sunset.  I pushed myself, my heart rate was higher than it's been in months.  Granted, pushing myself wasn't breaking any land speed records, and I had to walk a number of times just to pull the heart rate back down a bit, but it felt great to sweat and work hard.  Sadly for Nick, I'd left him behind since the planned route was on main sidewalks and would have been too tough since even after ten years he still wants to pull hard on that leash.  Maybe this week if he's good!

This weekend involved lots of walking and lots of eating, but no official workouts unfortunately.  It was Stuart's reunion at the U.S. Military Academy at West Point and then to celebrate our wedding anniversary we had dinner on Saturday at the American Bounty restaurant at the Culinary Institute of America.  Compare that with the gray "minute steak" that we were served in the West Point mess hall for lunch that day and Baby M is getting exposed to a wide range of culinary masterpieces and misses even while still in utero. 

It was gorgeous up there, with the occasional yellow or red leaf, but we were a few weeks early to get the real fall foliage views, but that's okay it was still awesome.  For our anniversary, Stuart bought one of those wood burning fire pits for our patio (6th anniversary is "wood") so we're starting to think fall.  Between driving through the Poconos, watching football in Michie Stadium, and now having our own firepit, I'm getting ready for an exciting fall and the approach of a memorable holiday season.  And my present to myself....I've decided that I'm not done racing this year.  Stay tuned for more details. 

Back to our regularly scheduled programming...sort of

Just when the world thought my blogging days had come to an end, I'm back! It's been over two months since my last post, and a lot has happened. And, when it comes to triathlon, a lot hasn't happened. But, there's a reason for that.

In just another few short months we'll be taking on a challenge bigger than a triathlon, bigger than Ironman, bigger than anything. Baby M is officially due on February 7, 2010!!! Yikes, I've posted in blogland, so that means it's really official.

We just got to see my stepson this weekend and tell him, until then we wanted to keep this fairly low key. Needless to say, he was excited beyond anything. "I was just saying last week how I always wished I had a little brother!" No promises yet that it will be a boy, but we're so happy that he is psyched.

Lots to say, lots to catch up on. But it was easier to be silent than to dance around the edges of non-existent workouts (too damn tired), skipping races, and generally re-evaluating what the next year or two (or 18!) look like.

So, strap in. Baby M is on his/her way, and it's going to be one exciting and scary ride!

The Lessons of Susan Boyle

As I was reading CNN.com this morning, I came upon a commentary by Peter Bregman about the “Britain’s Got Talent” performer, Susan Boyle. When I finally broke down and clicked on the You Tube link last week, I found myself overwhelmed. There’s been tons of news coverage over the last few weeks, but reading his column today, I think he summed up very eloquently my thoughts. I’m condensing and excerpting the pieces of it that touch me the most (you can read the entire column here).

“Susan Boyle, who recently performed on the U.K. television show "Britain's Got Talent," has captured the world's attention …. She wasn't painfully ordinary; she was amazingly extraordinary. The audience immediately jumped to a standing ovation and stayed there until the end of the song. The YouTube video of Susan's performance has, as of Tuesday, received more than 35 million views…..

But there's something else Susan Boyle awakens in us as we watch her come out of her shell: our own selves. Who among us does not move through life with the hidden sense, maybe even quiet desperation, that we are destined for more? That underneath our ordinary exterior lays an extraordinary soul? That given the right opportunity, the right stage, the right audience, we would shine as the stars we truly are?

That promise underlies most successful advertising campaigns: the desire to transform from caterpillar to butterfly. Maybe if you buy that (fill in the blank), people will see you for the sophisticated, cool, gorgeous, talented, lovable person you know you really are. But in our less desperate moments, we know we can't purchase that transformation. Although Susan Boyle became an overnight sensation, hers was not an overnight transformation. She's been practicing singing since she was 12. In her case, overnight was 35 years.

It's easy to admire Susan. But it's far more interesting to be transformed by her. "There is grace," a friend recently wrote to me, "in being molded by your own gifts."

To allow yourself to be molded by your own gifts takes courage. You have to be willing to stand there, exposed and authentic, while the audience rolls their eyes at you and sneers, expecting failure. And then, of course, you have to fail, laugh or cry, and keep going until, one day, they stop laughing and start clapping.

But you can't do it alone….If we're lucky, we have parents who encourage us. Nothing really replaces a mother or father who believes in you. But even if you don't have parents who believe in you, it's important to have someone. Someone you trust, enough that when they offer criticism, you know it's to draw you out more fully, not shut you down even partially….

Susan Boyle is a phenomenal role model for all of us, not just because of her talent or her courage or her perseverance or her supportive friends. She is a phenomenal role model for us because she is us, in all our awkward ordinariness and amazing extraordinariness.”

To me, Peter Bregman captured what I was feeling but unable to express as I watched the video and found the music sticking in my head the rest of the day. Whether we dare to dream big or simply just survive the day-to-day of our offices, classrooms, neighborhoods and worlds, we need courage. Courage, plus the love and support of those around us, lets us move mountains. Maybe not immediately or in hugely visible ways, but bit by bit moving ourselves closer to the person we want to be.

This week with my Girls on the Run we talked about standing up for ourselves, expressing our own feelings, and learning how to evaluate and make good decisions. Heavy stuff for 8 and 9-year olds. But listening to their reactions to the games and questions I posed, they seemed to get it. It’s scary to be yourself, to refuse to surrender to the will of the cliques around you, and to learn to listen and trust that little voice inside. And yet they were articulating that they know it will only get harder as they get older, that the choices will be even tougher. My hope for each of them is not that they will be guffawing in the audience, but instead on the stage of life with their heads held high and the joy of living a real and honest life shining through them.

Wildlife

Not exactly the most pleasantly warm weather for an Easter weekend. I'm getting worried that the lake is going to be FREEZING in four weeks if the weather doesn't heat up soon. 1.2miles in sub-60 degree water is going to suck in a big way.

Anyway, despite the odd weather patterns, I managed to get in 2-1/2hrs of riding on Saturday and a 1+hr run on Easter Sunday morning. Billy and I headed out on Saturday in the gray drizzly rain, riding down to Georgetown to watch one of his classmates in a crew regatta. Thet rails were definitely slick with water and magnolia and cherry blossom petals, so speed wasn't exactly a factor.

We got back to the house, where Billy called it quits (he had a concert to go to) and Stuart and I headed west on the trail for another 90min or so. Eventually the rain stopped and the sun even came out, although the temps were still only about 60 degrees. The weather is wacky, but the animals are clearly all coming out of their winter hidey-holes. Bright red cardinals were everywhere. Stuart pulled off the side of the trail at one point to help a box turtle get safely across the road. While we were pulled over, we realized that our tires were covered in worm bits. As if that wasn't gross enough, as we rode through Vienna we saw a dead, mostly smooshed rat lying in the middle of the trail. GROSS!!! How it ended up there, dead and smooshed, is beyond me. But it was totally disgusting.

Yesterday morning was Easter. I knew the day would be busy cooking and entertaining -- Billy and his girlfriend were here, as were our niece and her fiance. So I grabbed Nick and we slipped out of the house at 7am. Easy recovery pace for 65 minutes before getting home and showering for Mass. Dinner ended up being a re-creation of the meal we learned to cook in Florence in cooking school back in 2001, and that we cooked as our first Easter meal together. Slight modifications, but basically the same. yummy! And lucky for us, we have leftovers for tonight. Even better!

Ended the afternoon watching the Ironman 70.3 World Championships special on NBC back-to-back with Vs' showing of Paris-Roubaix. LOVED IT ALL!!!

Why Do Numbers Matter So Much?

A year or two ago we bought one of those Tanita scales, one that does weight but also body fat %. You plug in upfront your height, age, gender and choice of 3 activity levels. I've frankly been ashamed by its readings. You see, it's always told me my body fat % is somewhere on the border of “acceptable” and “unhealthy/obese”. Now, the weight it reflects isn’t great, and I know I’d be fitter and happier if I dropped 10lbs. I’d be a machine if I lost 15 or 20. But even on my worst PMS days, I know I’m not obese. But, that bodyfat % on the scale is still humiliating. Not exactly conducive to a good self image.

Anyway, a few weeks ago it started acting up and then the battery died. We didn't replace it for a week or two, and once we did Stuart starts freaking out. It's telling him his bodyfat percentage is in the high 20%s. As someone who typically has about 8% bodyfat, he is super upset. "Look, I've been injured for a few weeks and I'm ballooning into an unhealthy couch potato. This is horrible. My life is over." I assure him that's not the case and to ignore the scale since clearly something is wrong with it. Instead, like a good engineer, he begins to tinker with it. Turns out that when he put the batteries in, it reset his activity level down to moderate instead of active. He fixes it and boom, it's back on track. Then he notices that mine is on moderate and he was like "really? your'e actually pretty active". So he adjusts mine and my body fat percentage drops almost 50% when I next step on the scale! According to this scale, I've gone from borderline obese levels of fat to being in the "healthy range for athletes".

It's amazing. My weight hasn't changed, but in the last 48hrs my level of disgust when I look in the mirror has dropped dramatically. Pathetic, isn't it? While I personally think that the real percentage is somewhere between healthy athlete and obese, I’m still astonished at myself that one little number has so profoundly impacted my view of myself. Why do random numbers matter so much? Am I truly any more or less fit than I was yesterday? No. Do my clothes fit any looser or tighter? Nope. And does Stuart love me any more or less because of a number on the scale that I wouldn’t even let him see? Of course not. But are my shoulders more square, is my head held higher because a battery-operated machine sitting in my bathroom has evaluated me as more worthy? Yes. And damn it, I HATE that. It’s ridiculous. The scale is there, so I can’t not step on it. After all, I am working to be more fit, and that scale is one method of evaluating that progress.

At the same time, letting it define me is frightening. It’s the “Girl Box” that Girls on the Run founder Molly Barker talks about. Letting our standards be set by those around us. Evaluating our own value based not on our own perceptions of ourselves, but by the arbitrary capriciousness of society or even a malfunctioning electronic gadget. 2009 is challenging me already in a multitude of ways. Understanding how I came to be controlled by numbers is going to be one more thing to wrestle with, confront and hopefully overcome in one way or another.

Business Development, Fundraising, and Asking for $$

Convincing other people to give you money is a special gift. It's a gift I clearly don't have. It's probably why I got peanuts as an allowance as a kid, and why it took me almost two years to have the courage to lay out the case to my boss for a pay raise. It's best not to think of all the money I didn't earn dueo to my inability to just ask for it.

That weakness is now challenging me in not one but three different important aspects of my life. First, and ironically right now the least important to me, is career-wise. I say least important, because it's the one that I have the least ability to affect right now, so I don't spend a lot of time worrying over it. My firm's career model is such that to make the leap from Associate to Senior Associate you absolutely have to have a "business case". That is, you have to know how to do business development, and in fact already have done quite a bit of it such that you are responsible for a team of more than just a few people generating more than a few million dollars in revenue. All well and good for those who are great at it. Not so much for those of us deemed high performing in functional delivery, but lacking in that ability to approach the client to produce new revenue streams. In theory, the firm is apparently considering revising the people model, as its called, because they're starting to lose some of us to the government and other firms because there's essentially a ceiling to advancement -- both for those of us lacking that skill, but also because there's only so much space in the client environments and not everyone can have their own business. You need some people to actual do the actual work of delivering services!

Anyway, so that's the first area. Second now is Girls on the Run. In addition to the normal effort to gain sponsorship for the race, the Board acknowledges that this year is the right time to undertake a concerted fundraising effort to help the organization continue to grow at its currently accelerating rate. Our Race Director does a fantastic job of getting race sponsorship, but the Board will be taking, I believe, a larger role in the broader fundraising effort. I'm committed to this program, and as a result, in my current role absolutely need to learn and be comfortable with approaching individuals and businesses and advocating on behalf of Girls on the Run of Northern Virginia. We've identified this as one of our top three priorities for the next 12months, and as president, my active participation and leadership in this is critical.

And finally, as it relates to triathlon, there's the whole coaching thing. Friends and family are convinced that I could actually make some money if I wanted to register Tri for Joy as a business. Yet, I continue to feel as if there's so much I need to learn, what's a fair and appropriate amount to charge people for the expertise I already have? At what point do I feel as though I'd be giving folks their money's worth? And, of course, the challenge of not wanting to charge those same friends and family. So do I charge friends of friends? Do I advertise and charge those strangers who approach me? Again, my reticence to place monetary value on my worth, or the worth of organizations important to me (GOTR, my firm, my nascent coaching "business") means dollars I'm losing every day.

How do people do it? I'm impressed by those in sales as a career. Pharmaceutical sales, computer sales, wine sales...just to name things that friends do for a living. It's a skill I'm learning, like so many others these days, because it's just too important not to.

Topsy Turvy Day

Thank goodness for friends, acquaintances and good old-fashioned sweat. After Daniel's supposed last night here, during which he cooked an amazing meal for us, Julie, and Bill, and then at midnight per his request I gave him a haircut with the dog clippers(!), I knew the morning would dawn early. As I walked into work, grabbing a big cup of coffee, it finally hit me that my Granni was gone. That now I didn't have any grandmothers. I suddenly felt very lost and sitting at my desk found myself in tears.

My sister-in-law Connie had emailed me last week that she knew sometimes it takes a while before the reality of death sets in. And I think that because we came back from her funeral and immediately had to get ready for Dan's arrival, I sort of filed it away. Sad, but coping. So this morning, having said goodbye to Daniel and therefore realizing we were moving back into normal day-to-day life, that grief kind of hit. Not just missing my Granni, but also missing my Grandma (who died in 2004) all over again. Two amazing women who played such central roles in my life. My heart aches that I'll never hear their voices call me by their pet names for me. Never feel either of them hug me. Never hear Granni say "I'm nuts about you" or Grandma say "be not afraid" - my little catch phrase with each of them. And I'm sad.

It's something I suppose is to be expected, but not great timing as I was prepping for a big meeting with my client and the characters over at the Pentagon. An email to my uncle, a call to one of my best friends, and a hug from another friend who happened to stick her head in my cube (thanks, KZ!), and I managed to pull myself together without any of the client staff realizing that moments earlier I had mascara leaking down my face. Luckily, the meeting was actually energizing. I enjoy negotiations and it got me in a more positive mood. On the way home, I also talked to Erin and we're both so ready to kick off the new Girls on the Run season next week. I know I was in need of reasons to smile, to shore up the hole in my heart.

Get home, putzing around, and Stuart's phone rings. It's Dan, still at BWI and his flight was cancelled due to weather in Minneapolis (his layover). So, he's headed back to Arlington for one more night with us. Great, no problem. I cry a little bit more to Stuart but then get ready for the =PR= run.

What a surprise -- Amy actually shows up tonight!! (just teasing, since I know she reads this). It was a tough route, but one I'd recommended a month or so ago since it's partially through this really pretty neighborhood that I love. Lots of steady uphills, so no rest for the weary. Amy, Shannon and I ran together, and they wouldn't let me slack. I felt sluggish, and was breathing very hard the whole way -- definitely a tough tempo run. Usually I can always manage to at least come up with a burst of speed for the last block or two sprint back to the store. Not tonight, I just didn't have that extra gear. I hung in there, but it wasn't too pretty! 4.5miles in less than 45min including stops at multiple stoplights, so that's not too shabby I suppose. And, it did help a little bit that it was in the high 50s. So nice to wear capris and just one long-sleeve shirt. 23 days until spring!!!! We're all so psyched that we only have one more run in the darkness before Daylight Savings Time. Yay!!

Home to Stuart, Dan and the dogs, Thai food and the very disturbing "Batman: The Dark Knight" on DVD. They're still watching it as I write this, but I'm already anticipating nightmares from the thriller elements of the first half of the movie, so I walked out midway to write this entry instead.

Emotionally, I think I'm spent today. I have to work tomorrow, but am ready for another weekend. At the same time, I'm filled with gratitude to be surrounded by friends, family and acquaintances who, knowingly or not, are able to buoy me and give me strength when I'm faltering. I know I'll be okay. Today was a reminder that there is a process I need to go through and no matter how hard I try, I can't just put it aside. But, I have faith ("be not afraid"). I have the love of those around me ("I'm nuts about you"). And I have two grandmothers in Heaven right now who helped make me strong, and they wouldn't have it any other way.

Sharing a hobby

My stepson Daniel arrived Tuesday evening for a ten day visit from California. Unless you and your folks are best friends, I've found that one of the challenges of adult children visiting their parents is how to spend that "quality time". I know it's something I sort of dread when visiting my own parents -- these are the people that raised you, but you have different lives and different interests. How do you find ways to enjoy time together without always carrying the baggage of childhood with you.

We love Daniel very much and hate that for now he has chosen to establish his life so far away. But, in terms of how we spend our free time, his choices and our's tend to be radically different. And especially with Stuart's shoulder not working right now, things like golf (which was a hobby they used to share together when Dan was younger) aren't an option. So yesterday we proposed that he come to spin class with us. Surprisingly he was game.

We arrived super early to get good bikes (turns out they've redone the cycle room and they're all good now), get Daniel set up, and just get an extra 30min of riding done. It took him about 20 min to get dialed in and comfortable, but he was pretty open minded about it. This wasn't our favorite instructor, but it was kind of fun to watch Stuart and Dan working and sweating side by side. He hung with it through the entire workout, which was impressive for a first-timer.

Afterwards, he kept a positive attitude, but wouldn't commit to doing it once more with us next week before he leaves. Whether he does or doesn't, I know it meant a lot to Stuart (and to me) that he was willing to engage in something important to us. And maybe we gave him a peek into the benefits, fun and endorphins that are involved in healthy lifestyle choices. The real challenge as parents is how to find those of his pasttimes and pursuits that we aren't in conflict about, and engage him. Let him broaden our view into his world.

Weekend Fun

After last week's busy and tense weekend, this one was awesome. First, Billy's last home swim meet, so my aunt, uncle and youngest cousin Katie came up from NC for the weekend. He did awesome, as usual. He's such an incredible swimmer, and we're going to miss him once he heads to Pensacola this fall for flight school.

In the meantime, much fun seeing Katie, too.

On top of the family fun, it was WARM outside. As in 60+ degrees warm. Saturday before heading to Billy's meet, Nick and I snuck out for another 4-ish mile run. It's about that time of year that I should start wearing my heart rate monitor again, but I've definitley gotten used to running without it.

This afternoon, after they all left, it was time to pull out the road bike. Stuart rode this morning with our neighbor Eric so I was on my own. Shorts, short-sleeved DC Tri jersey and arm warmers. Beautiful weather, and as I'm coasting down our street towards the trail I'm all smiley and cheery. And then I turned west -- to be met head-on by a strong wind. Luckily, it wasn't a cold wind, but it was powerful. And without Stuart to block it for me, I averaged around 13mph for the first hour of my ride. This was supposed to be a longer, aerobic ride and so I chose not to fight the wind, although I am a bit embarassed for my tri club teammates that I was out there toddling along in club gear. I made up for it once I turned around,though. Gotta love a tail wind!

By late in the week it will be back down in the 40s, but this was a great respite from winter. Only about 40 days until spring and only about 90 days until my first half ironman of the season. yikes!

Getting Back in the Groove

After a great start to 2009, January ended with a whimper. Girls on the Run of NoVA is going through some staff and Board transitions, which is always both a scary and exciting time for any organization. As of the 8hr(!) Board meeting this past Saturday, I'm now the Board President. That culminated a week in which I put in probably about 25hrs of GOTR-related time on top of my normal job.

Throw in a quick trip home to see my very ill Granni, and other than Thursday's =PR= run, my body was almost forgetting how to sweat. Yes, I've kept up with the 50 Days of Core, which ends on February 13th, but most of the last week was about remembering to throw down a quick 25 half-asleep crunches before climbing into bed.

After spending yesterday in the cardiac ICU, my alarm went off this morning at 3:45 so that I could catch my 6am flight back to DC. Stuart picked me up at the airport, and fortified by a pre-flight mocha and post-flight vanilla latte, I managed to survive the workday. Getting home I was SO tempted to bag a workout and take a nap. But, my first tri of the season is only three months away. Waiting until April to be serious won't cut it. What do I want to accomplish this year? Am I happy being average? Maybe even if I bust my tail I'll still be middle of the pack, but have I really truly given my all in the past four seasons of triathlon? Then the question is, what am I waiting for? I need to stop dreaming and, like Nike says, Just Do It. The last week or two of GOTR shows that I have the available time, and the self discipline....if it's important enough to me. So, is it? That needs to be the million dollar question as I start to think about 6am workouts. Soon enough the light will come and rides to work will be possible. In fact, I think we're there....I just again need to get in the habit. Winter's not over, but my time for excuses really is.

So buoyed by the near 50 degree weather, I threw on a long sleeve t-shirt and some capris, and Nick and I did an easy 3miles as the sun set. We then tacked on an extra mile walking the neighborhood with a very happy Joe and Ally. Nothing long, or even too terribly taxing, but an acceptable slide back into a routine for now.

25 Things About Me (I know, I'm lame)

Always swore I'd never do this...but since I've added playing on Facebook as one of my hobbies, and 2 people "tagged" me today, I decided what the heck. I needed to do something entertaining and mindless to decompress for a few minutes today. And since I wrote them once, I figured I'd share them here, too.

So, things about me...
1. I got glasses in kindergarten...they were bifocals.

2. I skipped the first grade (not an easy social experience for a nerdy kid wearing bifocals!).

3. Together with my brother, we are godparents to our youngest cousin, Katie. She's awesome.

4. One of my great loves is coaching Girls on the Run.

5. I'm also a USA Triathlon certified triathlon coach.

6. I love to cook, but am a terrible baker.

7. Although I did make and present dessert once to the President's National Security Advisor.

8. I was the intramural racquetball champion at my university two years in a row.

9. My first car was my grandfather's 1976 sky blue Chevy Caprice convertible. I loved it!

10. I'm left-handed, but use a computer mouse, scissors and corkscrew right-handed.

11. Although I've intensively studied Russian, German and to a lesser extent Italian, I'm not currently proficient in any of them.

12. I still have a bottle of wine from a tasting in an underground winery in Moldova.

13. My road bike and triathlon bike both have names.

14. I have a not-so-secret crush on pro triathlete Craig Alexander.

15. But I still love my husband more than I ever thought it possible to love someone. (he's very understanding of #14)

16. I think my springer spaniel Ally might be my psychic twin.

17. I developed a seizure disorder when I was 26.

18. When I had my last seizure five years ago, I was driving and totaled my car.

19. I've developed a love of gardening, and we had our first organic vegetable garden last summer.

20. Other than me, no one knows whether I voted for McCain or Obama.

21. The two major personal goals I have right now are to complete an Ironman and find a way to live abroad for some period of time.

22. When we first met, my husband thought I was married to my brother.

23. I shattered my own tooth playing tennis by hitting myself in the face with my racquet.

24. I also broke my finger playing field hockey, and have matching gear scars on both my legs from falling over on my bikes.

25. I owned a hot pink bowling ball as a kid, and it now serves as a white-trash garden ornament in my vegetable garden.