Unexpectedly great workout

Long story short -- I almost blew off today's swim workout. Late getting home. Felt the dogs needed attention and a walk. Just generally lost my mojo. Tried to tell myself that I'd get up at 5am and do it. While walking the dogs though, I knew I'd be mad at myself if I didn't get it done tonight. So when we got back to the house I threw on my swimsuit, and raced to the pool.

I had less than an hour, so knew I wouldn't get the entire 1,600yds of warmup and cool-down done (!), but had faith that I could do a short warmup and the main set. Mondays are the long aerobic workouts. Good steady sets, a mix of 75s, descending 25s and a series of 200s. Out of nowhere they were all solid. My form felt good, my head was down and although I wasn't really closely watching my splits, I could tell they were faster than they were just a few months ago.

As I sit here I realize that's an experience I could have missed. Sure, I might have gotten some paperwork done. Played a few rounds of websudoku. Seen what my friends are up to on Facebook. And somehow I'd have justified to myself that the short time frame I had tonight wasn't worth the effort to make it to the pool. And yet I would have been wrong and deluding myself.

At the end of the day, it's almost always worth it. If nothing else about this day I'll have the knowledge that I achieved something and did something for myself.

Then again....

...maybe not. There's nothing like stating an outlandish goal out loud to make you feel obligated to live up to it. Until life smacks you in the face, or in the case, in the leg.

Met up with Heather this afternoon to run. She was doing 21 in preparation for Boston in a few weeks. My goal was 9-10 miles, and so Nick and I decided to join her. Not even 4miles into this stupid run, my posterior tibialis flared up and I was reduced to a jog/walk combination. SO FRUSTRATING!!! I called it quits at 7.5miles. A very very slow 7.5miles.

Trying to up my hours for the day though, I did head to the gym for another hour to lift and do some core work. So from a training perspective, it was a good day. Just not the great day I'd been planning on.

Public apologies to Heather that she ran more of her day alone than I had hoped. Sorry!!

The Power of Suggestion - an Ultra

After enough emails and blog comments, she may have done it. Worn me down into agreeing to something that seems crazy. In addition to two half ironmans, multiple other triathlons, and signing up for Ironman Louisville for 2010, I think I just agreed to begin training for my first ultra-marathon. Yea, not sure what I'm thinking. FIFTY KILOMETERS is a long freakin' way to run/walk/hobble. But Andrea assures me that it's just a few miles longer than a marathon, and the John Holmes 50K is a very first-timer friendly event.

I did my first 5K back in about 1996 or 1997, a Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. At the time never imagining that I would do a marathon. And in 2000 I completed my first marathon, not even knowing there was such a thing as ultras. Somehow, though, I always seem to be peeking over the horizon, wondering what's possible and what I am capable of. Where is my limit? Will I eventually try something that I can't achieve?

The caveat in this is how my posterior tibialis responds to increasing run volume. Over the spring and summer, my plan is to start increasing my long run distances. If I realize that it can't handle it, then this is an adventure that will go back on the shelf. But maybe with care and caution, I can cross another finish line this year.

Hard Work and Recovery

Ok, so OWWWW!!!! I had forgotten just how ugly and painful that transition to a run can be. Yesterday was my first real brick of the season - meaning a measurable run after an equally measurable bike. Stuart and I got in close to 3hrs on our bikes on Sunday afternoon. Beautiful sunshiney day, but still chilly. Got home, swapped out the bike jersey for a long sleeve t-shirt and grabbed Nick's leash.

And then the pain hit. I was hobbling like some pathetic old lady. Normally Nick would be pulling ahead, but I think even he realized that this wasn't too pretty. After the first mile I seemed to ease into it but oh boy could this be a long day in May! I managed three miles, and sure, could have done more, but was very glad that the training plan called for only a 20-30min run!

Today was worth it, though. I just spent an hour with my massage therapist. He focused on that irritated tricep and deltoid, as well as the posterior and anterior tibealis on both legs. Already I can feel that many of those aches and pains have subsided. If only my health insurance covered therapeutic massage, I'd be seeing him a couple times per month. Stuart's seeing his physio twice a week, so dang it, I went ahead and made another appointment for the week of Kinetic. He shouldn't be the only one in this house getting massaged and manipulated!

Taking Risks

One of the things I just love about Girls on the Run is watching these girls challenge themselves. Sometimes it’s the physical – running further or faster, and eventually completing that 5K. But just as often it’s taking the mental or emotional risks that allow us to grow as people. On Tuesday as our session wrapped up Lily [names changed] mentioned to me that she had never led our team cheer at the end of practice. I told her to remind me on Thursday. Now, Lily is in 3rd grade and might be the most quiet and shy child I have ever run across. She has a beautiful smile, but even her body language shows how much of a struggle it can be for her to speak up and engage with others.

Well, today's session was about gratitude and being thankful. We went around the circle and each girl had to say something about the person on their right that they were thankful for. One of the fifth graders noted that she was thankful that Lily was one of those who was quiet and respectful of others, and never talked when other people were talking. The day’s workout is often a challenge for the girls because it is a silent run. Unlike all our other practices they may not talk or run with anyone else. It's about using the quiet to think about things we're grateful for, and to see what comes into our mind when life around us is calm.

So as our workout was starting Lily mentioned to me again that she hadn't led the cheer. I asked her if she was sure, because it meant she'd have to yell to get everyone excited. I also told her that I knew deep inside her was a big loud voice waiting to come out, so she should do the run and think about if she wanted to. Fast forward to the end of the session. We all gathered in a circle for our cheer and I said "ok, Lily’s leading us." She looked at me for a long second, and I could see her gathering her strength and courage. Taking a deep breath, she started - "gimme a g. gimme an i. GIMME AN R. GIMME AN L. WHAT DOES THAT SPELL? (girls) WHAT DO WE DO? (run) WHAT DOES THAT MAKE US? GIRLS ON THE RUN!!!" She did it! Her voice was loud and strong. You could see afterwards that she was both relieved it was over, but also bursting with pride.

I was just so proud of her. This was clearly such a huge risk for her to step out of her comfort zone, and she succeeded so totally. It was a beautiful moment to experience. I could relate to the feeling, and it’s one I crave. The absolute scariness of attempting something new. And the complete joy at knowing you’ve conquered another fear, another barrier. There are those days right now where life is so chaotic, where the business side of managing GOTR is stressful. And then there are these rewards that remind me why I love and believe in the empowerment that Girls on the Run brings to its participants.

Why Do Numbers Matter So Much?

A year or two ago we bought one of those Tanita scales, one that does weight but also body fat %. You plug in upfront your height, age, gender and choice of 3 activity levels. I've frankly been ashamed by its readings. You see, it's always told me my body fat % is somewhere on the border of “acceptable” and “unhealthy/obese”. Now, the weight it reflects isn’t great, and I know I’d be fitter and happier if I dropped 10lbs. I’d be a machine if I lost 15 or 20. But even on my worst PMS days, I know I’m not obese. But, that bodyfat % on the scale is still humiliating. Not exactly conducive to a good self image.

Anyway, a few weeks ago it started acting up and then the battery died. We didn't replace it for a week or two, and once we did Stuart starts freaking out. It's telling him his bodyfat percentage is in the high 20%s. As someone who typically has about 8% bodyfat, he is super upset. "Look, I've been injured for a few weeks and I'm ballooning into an unhealthy couch potato. This is horrible. My life is over." I assure him that's not the case and to ignore the scale since clearly something is wrong with it. Instead, like a good engineer, he begins to tinker with it. Turns out that when he put the batteries in, it reset his activity level down to moderate instead of active. He fixes it and boom, it's back on track. Then he notices that mine is on moderate and he was like "really? your'e actually pretty active". So he adjusts mine and my body fat percentage drops almost 50% when I next step on the scale! According to this scale, I've gone from borderline obese levels of fat to being in the "healthy range for athletes".

It's amazing. My weight hasn't changed, but in the last 48hrs my level of disgust when I look in the mirror has dropped dramatically. Pathetic, isn't it? While I personally think that the real percentage is somewhere between healthy athlete and obese, I’m still astonished at myself that one little number has so profoundly impacted my view of myself. Why do random numbers matter so much? Am I truly any more or less fit than I was yesterday? No. Do my clothes fit any looser or tighter? Nope. And does Stuart love me any more or less because of a number on the scale that I wouldn’t even let him see? Of course not. But are my shoulders more square, is my head held higher because a battery-operated machine sitting in my bathroom has evaluated me as more worthy? Yes. And damn it, I HATE that. It’s ridiculous. The scale is there, so I can’t not step on it. After all, I am working to be more fit, and that scale is one method of evaluating that progress.

At the same time, letting it define me is frightening. It’s the “Girl Box” that Girls on the Run founder Molly Barker talks about. Letting our standards be set by those around us. Evaluating our own value based not on our own perceptions of ourselves, but by the arbitrary capriciousness of society or even a malfunctioning electronic gadget. 2009 is challenging me already in a multitude of ways. Understanding how I came to be controlled by numbers is going to be one more thing to wrestle with, confront and hopefully overcome in one way or another.

Wants vs Needs

Last weekend, while at the bike store with Billy, I stumbled upon a beautiful bike -- a 2008 BH Connect Ultegra SL. Gorgeous. Sat on it for a minute, but tore myself away. Until last night, after spin class, Stuart and I wandered in to the store "just to show [him] the bike I saw but we aren't buying."

Twenty minutes later I've taken a short test ride, they've offered me a ridiculously awesome price, discussed financing options and I've said I'll be back Saturday to be fitted on it before making a final purchase decision. The problem is, Stuart and I are very bad influences on each other. We'll both sacrifice for ourselves, but can easily be swayed by the desire to do/say/acquire something to make the other happy. Last night we kept talking it over, knowing we shouldn't do it, but looking for a reason to buy it. This is a want, not a need.

You see, I like my road bike. His name is Coraggio, which means courage in Italian. I named him because I needed some courage to learn to ride and enjoy riding. And he's been good to me. I've put in thousands of miles with him over the past four years - training, racing, commuting, and fun rides. But the truth is, I want more. I'm ready for more. I'm ashamed to admit that I'm ashamed of my bike. Or more appropriately, ashamed of myself that I'm ashamed of my bike. Coraggio's like the kid you were friends with in junior high, and now that you're in high school you still secretly think he's nice, but the other kids tell you he's not cool and so you stop talking to him.

Most of my friends and family with whom I ride have beautiful bikes. They're sleek, sexy, carbon fiber, weigh next to nothing. Bikes that other riders nod at, that garner respect as the kind of bikes that serious cyclists ride. That's not Coraggio. No one would ever describe him in those terms. He's aluminum, with a simple red paint job, and a pretty mediocre set of componentry. A great entry level bike. I'm still not a great cyclist, but I feel like I've definitely improved beyond an entry level rider. I typically place somewhere in the middle of my age group in the bike leg of triathlons. I comfortably finished my first century ride last fall. And I keep wanting a bike that reflects where I'm at as a rider. Which is why this little BH gem spoke to me this week.

I dreamed about this decision, and woke up knowing that buying it wasn't the right decision but still wishing it would be. I keep saying I want a new bike. But I certainly don't need a new bike. Two very different words. Many thanks to Bill for emailing with me all day, helping me justify why this isn't the bike for me. Instead, I think maybe I'll invest in some upgrades for Coraggio. He'll never be the hotshot superstar bike that my friends have. But with a new shiny groupset, he'll shine again in my eyes and move to that next level of ability with me, instead of being left behind as a has-been. Reminding myself that I tri for joy, and he has brought me that. He isn't a hotshot superstar...but neither am I. We're both good, we're both happy and courageous to be out on the road. I need to remember that, and have gratitude for where I've come from and those things (and people) that have helped me make the journey.

Yay for friends like Erin

Major props to Erin today for reading my blog and throwing my words back at me. Stuart finally had his MRI this afternoon, so we drove in together but I brought my bike for the commute home. I had an awesome ride today, averaged over 16.5mph which included all the deceleration and accelerations at lights and road crossings. Temps in the mid-60s. I think I had a bit of a tail wind, because I spent the majority of the ride in my big chain ring, even on the sections of the trail where I normally drop it back. My legs are getting stronger, but not that strong yet.

Got home and grabbed a snack, prepping to meet Tom and Emily at the pool, until Emily called to cancel. Unfortunately, I hadn't yet changed into my swimsuit, so there was lots of disincentive to head to the pool by myself. Luckily....Erin came to the rescue!

She was calling to say that she wasn't going to make it to Girls on the Run in the morning. But when she heard I was about to cop out of the swim, she reminded me that even 30minutes counted. That the motivation and "just do it" would make me happy on the back side. A few more encouraging words and when we hung up I quickly changed my clothes before I could change my mind.

It was a short swim. More of a recovery swim than a workout. But I did make it to the pool, and I'm glad I did. And that's really all it takes. 30minutes here. An hour there. A quick 10 or 15minutes to throw down a few hundred core reps. It's not sudden, but over time that's how you see results. More fitness, more endurance, less fat, more muscle definition, more speed. Nike was right, there are no excuses so Just Do It. So today I'm grateful not just for the sunshine and early spring warmth, but also for Erin.

Taste of Spring

It's coming. Spring. I can feel it. I saw crocuses in bloom in a yard this morning as I walked my dogs. I even took them for a second walk tonite at 7pm thanks to Daylight Savings Time. Our lilac and blueberry bushes have the faintest hint of green buds on them. And I put in over 4.5hrs of biking this weekend in shorts and sleeveless jerseys. My back and shoulders are sore - time for another 50 days of core! But I feel great. I even have the tiniest hint of a tan line on my legs, and a slightly darker face than I did when the weekend started.

Billy came out this weekend and for the first time saw and rode his first bike. I think we overloaded him though, with 40miles of riding yesterday. oops. He was a little sore, but came back for another 20 today. What a stud! We grabbed Bill and Julie from their place and headed down to Mount Vernon and back on Saturday. There were folks on the trail but it actually wasn't as busy as we had expected. Surrounded by folks with way better power-to-weight ratios than me, I still managed to pull for at least a little bit. And Billy did great, just one near wipeout on a tight technical turn.

Today we headed out on our own...airport loop plus I threw in 4 or 5 more miles on the backend while he headed for our house to zonk out. Definitely a lot more people out, but only a few idiots blocking the trail and other lunacy. We had a good time, but he's paying the price for buying a bike with a hardcore racing saddle - not a whole lot of padding down there! We promised him he'd build up butt calluses in no time if he keeps putting in the miles.

This was good. I needed to be out there. Only 9 weeks to the Kinetic Half and I'm getting nervous. Lots to do. Time to get the Orbea serviced and get him out on the road to start putting in miles in aero position. In the interim, I'll sleep well tonight.

Business Development, Fundraising, and Asking for $$

Convincing other people to give you money is a special gift. It's a gift I clearly don't have. It's probably why I got peanuts as an allowance as a kid, and why it took me almost two years to have the courage to lay out the case to my boss for a pay raise. It's best not to think of all the money I didn't earn dueo to my inability to just ask for it.

That weakness is now challenging me in not one but three different important aspects of my life. First, and ironically right now the least important to me, is career-wise. I say least important, because it's the one that I have the least ability to affect right now, so I don't spend a lot of time worrying over it. My firm's career model is such that to make the leap from Associate to Senior Associate you absolutely have to have a "business case". That is, you have to know how to do business development, and in fact already have done quite a bit of it such that you are responsible for a team of more than just a few people generating more than a few million dollars in revenue. All well and good for those who are great at it. Not so much for those of us deemed high performing in functional delivery, but lacking in that ability to approach the client to produce new revenue streams. In theory, the firm is apparently considering revising the people model, as its called, because they're starting to lose some of us to the government and other firms because there's essentially a ceiling to advancement -- both for those of us lacking that skill, but also because there's only so much space in the client environments and not everyone can have their own business. You need some people to actual do the actual work of delivering services!

Anyway, so that's the first area. Second now is Girls on the Run. In addition to the normal effort to gain sponsorship for the race, the Board acknowledges that this year is the right time to undertake a concerted fundraising effort to help the organization continue to grow at its currently accelerating rate. Our Race Director does a fantastic job of getting race sponsorship, but the Board will be taking, I believe, a larger role in the broader fundraising effort. I'm committed to this program, and as a result, in my current role absolutely need to learn and be comfortable with approaching individuals and businesses and advocating on behalf of Girls on the Run of Northern Virginia. We've identified this as one of our top three priorities for the next 12months, and as president, my active participation and leadership in this is critical.

And finally, as it relates to triathlon, there's the whole coaching thing. Friends and family are convinced that I could actually make some money if I wanted to register Tri for Joy as a business. Yet, I continue to feel as if there's so much I need to learn, what's a fair and appropriate amount to charge people for the expertise I already have? At what point do I feel as though I'd be giving folks their money's worth? And, of course, the challenge of not wanting to charge those same friends and family. So do I charge friends of friends? Do I advertise and charge those strangers who approach me? Again, my reticence to place monetary value on my worth, or the worth of organizations important to me (GOTR, my firm, my nascent coaching "business") means dollars I'm losing every day.

How do people do it? I'm impressed by those in sales as a career. Pharmaceutical sales, computer sales, wine sales...just to name things that friends do for a living. It's a skill I'm learning, like so many others these days, because it's just too important not to.