A new year

Global warming is real, don't let anyone tell you differently.  I'm sure that a lot of it is the result of humans, but I also think it's possibly part of the cycles of climate change on this planet over millions of years.  Either way, as a parent I worry about the implications.  As a person, I love it!  How else could I enjoy a 60 degree day on the trail in mid-January!

While pushing my now almost-3yr old in her stroller, I thought about this dormant blog.  I realized it's been almost 2yrs.  The ankle has healed, although it makes its presence known every time I get even a little active, even as simple as climbing stairs. 

I also realized that it's time.  It's time to try and bring the word athlete back into the description of who I am.  Since that last post, I've done a few road races ranging from 5Ks to a half marathon, and 2 or 3 triathlons.  Yet, on a day to day basis, I have been almost singularly focused on being the best mother and wife I can be. 

As my little girl is getting older, though, and notices when I sweat or asks if I'm going to go exercise, it occurs to me that I had made a promise to myself way back when.  A promise that my daughter would grow up in a household that was healthy and active, with a strong and fit mother as a role model.  And right now, I'm failing in this promise. 

You know how sometimes you see yourself in a dream or imagine what you look like? I've realized that the image of myself in my dreams no longer matches reality.  That stubborn ten pounds that has me straining against my jeans, that's slowed my already slow pace, that has impacted my self esteem more than it should.  And, in not too distant history I had a birthday.  One of those big milestone birthdays with a "0" at the end.  That means, becoming again who I want to be is definitely not going to get any easier. 

While I strongly doubt that anyone has even stumbled upon this blog in years, I'm feeling the need to make a sorta public statement.  Not a New Year's resolution.  More a reclamation of a promise.

There isn't an Ironman in the near future, but there's a lot between that and sitting on the couch.  Don't get me wrong, infinite games of Candyland and snuggling while reading Bear on a Bike or Goodnight Moon are as close to perfect as life comes.  And there is a place for it here.  That means, though, that I need to re-appear here as mom, wife, and yes, athlete once again.  Older, slower, yet hopefully an athlete nonetheless. 

Yet another athletic first

This time, though, it's not one I'm proud of.  Those three dreaded letters that no athlete ever wants to see -- DNF.  That's right.  The Perry Township Rotary Turkey Trot 5K in Canton, Ohio humbled me into the realization that sometimes even your best just isn't good enough.  Or, isn't necessarily the smartest thing to do. 

Cold Ohio morning perfect for a Thanksgiving race.  We were signed up together with our nephew Brandon and his girlfriend Jennifer.  At just shy of 30 weeks, Baby M scored yet another race bib, although this time the race volunteers seemed a bit confused, "Um, do you need a timing chip, too?"  "No, thanks.  We'll just share one."

See me squeezed into a non-maternity running jacket.  I LOVE stretchy material!!

We lined up at the starting line and things were already feeling just "tight".  Not painful, but not comfortable.  I was surrounded by other walkers, and so know that I would have been right in the thick of things, but about half a mile in I just stopped.  Stepped to the side to see if the tightness in my abdomen would subside.  Thought about how I could just tough it out.  But, I'm 30wks pregnant.  Now is not the time for an ego and to "tough it out".  So, I did the toughest thing I've ever done in a race and something I thought I'd never ever ever do - I quit.  Head down, I trudged back toward the start/finish line and tried to get myself psyched up to watch for Stuart and Brandon.  Not too long after, I saw them both running shoulder-to-shoulder.  They weren't running in a "I'm going to kick your ass" kind of way, but looking like family in stride with each other.  Their finish times were 5/100ths of a second apart.  This was only Jennifer's 3rd race and she did great, too.

I'm disappointed.  There's no getting around that.  It has me thinking about the implications of this major change in our lives and its impact on how I define myself, but that's a musing for a whole separate post.  In the mean time, I put on my best smile, congratulated my family and headed home to cook Thanksgiving dinner for the family.   I know there will be other races.  But knowing that my last race for quite some time is already a month behind me is hard. 

Family race weekend

One thing is for certain, I've definitely gotten to practice my spectating skills over the past year! This weekend was the Army Ten Miler, and my brother decided earlier this year that he'd like to take the leap into longer-distance running so we all signed up.  Stuart, Brad, Erin and a few other friends were all ready (more or less) for Sunday's race.  Brad's girlfriend Millie and I were on cheerleader detail.

Despite much protestation in the day or two before the event from Brad (along the lines of "well, SOMEONE has to finish last, right"), unsurprisingly they all did great! Despite nagging aches and pains, Stuart and Erin finished in 1:33 and 1:30 respectively.  Stuart stuck with Brad for the first six  miles before kicking it into gear, and Brad finished in an awesome first-time time of 1:47...much faster than his projected 2hr+ time.

Meanwhile, Millie got to experience the hard work of cheering for a crowd of 30,000 athletes.  I mean, if you're going to stand there for 2hrs, why just cheer for the 10 seconds that you see your loved ones.  So a million cheers and "looking strong"s and "there's better at the finish line" yells  to anyone I could -- DC Tri Clubbers, anyone with their names or colleges or military units printed on their shirts, wheelchair athletes, and the random people I knew and happend to be in the race including a sorority sister I haven't seen in 8yrs (Go Kappa!), a Girls on the Run mom and a former client.

Now it's time to get excited, though...my race season ISN'T over!! Next Sunday Stuart, Erin, Baby M and I will be toeing the line at the Boo! 10K in Washington.  Is there a special division for pregnant women...maybe I can win an award this time! As for Brad, he was moving a little slowly this morning as we took him to the airport...but I know there's a triathlon waiting somewhere inside his soul.  Give it time.  In the mean time, he and Stuart bonded over some brother-in-law naps that afternoon!

Back to our regularly scheduled programming...sort of

Just when the world thought my blogging days had come to an end, I'm back! It's been over two months since my last post, and a lot has happened. And, when it comes to triathlon, a lot hasn't happened. But, there's a reason for that.

In just another few short months we'll be taking on a challenge bigger than a triathlon, bigger than Ironman, bigger than anything. Baby M is officially due on February 7, 2010!!! Yikes, I've posted in blogland, so that means it's really official.

We just got to see my stepson this weekend and tell him, until then we wanted to keep this fairly low key. Needless to say, he was excited beyond anything. "I was just saying last week how I always wished I had a little brother!" No promises yet that it will be a boy, but we're so happy that he is psyched.

Lots to say, lots to catch up on. But it was easier to be silent than to dance around the edges of non-existent workouts (too damn tired), skipping races, and generally re-evaluating what the next year or two (or 18!) look like.

So, strap in. Baby M is on his/her way, and it's going to be one exciting and scary ride!

Dextro ITU Triathlon in DC

So it was pointed out to me that my blogging regularity has dropped off. Shame on me! No excuse except that it's just too nice to spend much time sitting in my study crafting blog entries. Maybe one day I should try actually keeping a journal and that way I can just transfer interesting thoughts here.

Anyway, latest and greatest is that we spent Sunday downtown watching the only North American stop on the ITU Triathlon World Cup circuit. Originally we were slated to serve as a homestay for one of the foreign athletes and his coach, which had us pretty jazzed. It also meant that we decided not to register to race ourselves, since we'd be focused on being a good host family. Sadly, a few days before he was due to arrive, I got an email saying that he'd injured himself in a training ride and would not be coming to race. Bummer!

Sunday morning Billy and his girlfriend Allison drove out from Annapolis and the four of us hopped on bikes and headed downtown. We missed the start of the men's race and so headed straight for the finish line along Pennsylvania Ave. The bike and run were both multiple loops so we were in a great spot to see the triathletes race by again and again.

Billy, Allison and Stuart

Unbelievable to watch the peloton of draft-legal racing!

Here's Americans Andy Potts and Hunter Kemper headed out on one of the run loops. They were flying!

Andy was solidly in 4th place, so able to give some thumbs-up and ham it up for the crowd as he neared the finish line.

All in all, it was a ton of fun. Billy was jazzed for his second triathlon this coming weekend, and Allison now wants to try one. Once the men's race finished, we biked down to West Potomac Park to watch the start of the women's race. All of downtown DC was shut down, so it was awesome to be tooling along Constitution Avenue on our bikes. If only they shut the Mall down to traffic every weekend!

The current was brutal, the pro women looked so incredibly slow. Of course they weren't, but it was telling that all the spectators were commenting on how hard they were working on the up-river half of the two loop swim.

Afterwards we slowly biked home, but of course had to stop to make friends with even more wildlife! Here's Allison posing with her new pet turtle!

Ensign Vey

Oops, a few weeks late, but still worth it. My wonderful fantabulous cousin Billy survived four years of Annapolis and collegiate swimming and dealing with a cousin living nearby(!) to finally graduate two weeks ago. No one in the family could be any more proud of him than we all are. Congratulations, Billy!!

Topsy Turvy Day

Thank goodness for friends, acquaintances and good old-fashioned sweat. After Daniel's supposed last night here, during which he cooked an amazing meal for us, Julie, and Bill, and then at midnight per his request I gave him a haircut with the dog clippers(!), I knew the morning would dawn early. As I walked into work, grabbing a big cup of coffee, it finally hit me that my Granni was gone. That now I didn't have any grandmothers. I suddenly felt very lost and sitting at my desk found myself in tears.

My sister-in-law Connie had emailed me last week that she knew sometimes it takes a while before the reality of death sets in. And I think that because we came back from her funeral and immediately had to get ready for Dan's arrival, I sort of filed it away. Sad, but coping. So this morning, having said goodbye to Daniel and therefore realizing we were moving back into normal day-to-day life, that grief kind of hit. Not just missing my Granni, but also missing my Grandma (who died in 2004) all over again. Two amazing women who played such central roles in my life. My heart aches that I'll never hear their voices call me by their pet names for me. Never feel either of them hug me. Never hear Granni say "I'm nuts about you" or Grandma say "be not afraid" - my little catch phrase with each of them. And I'm sad.

It's something I suppose is to be expected, but not great timing as I was prepping for a big meeting with my client and the characters over at the Pentagon. An email to my uncle, a call to one of my best friends, and a hug from another friend who happened to stick her head in my cube (thanks, KZ!), and I managed to pull myself together without any of the client staff realizing that moments earlier I had mascara leaking down my face. Luckily, the meeting was actually energizing. I enjoy negotiations and it got me in a more positive mood. On the way home, I also talked to Erin and we're both so ready to kick off the new Girls on the Run season next week. I know I was in need of reasons to smile, to shore up the hole in my heart.

Get home, putzing around, and Stuart's phone rings. It's Dan, still at BWI and his flight was cancelled due to weather in Minneapolis (his layover). So, he's headed back to Arlington for one more night with us. Great, no problem. I cry a little bit more to Stuart but then get ready for the =PR= run.

What a surprise -- Amy actually shows up tonight!! (just teasing, since I know she reads this). It was a tough route, but one I'd recommended a month or so ago since it's partially through this really pretty neighborhood that I love. Lots of steady uphills, so no rest for the weary. Amy, Shannon and I ran together, and they wouldn't let me slack. I felt sluggish, and was breathing very hard the whole way -- definitely a tough tempo run. Usually I can always manage to at least come up with a burst of speed for the last block or two sprint back to the store. Not tonight, I just didn't have that extra gear. I hung in there, but it wasn't too pretty! 4.5miles in less than 45min including stops at multiple stoplights, so that's not too shabby I suppose. And, it did help a little bit that it was in the high 50s. So nice to wear capris and just one long-sleeve shirt. 23 days until spring!!!! We're all so psyched that we only have one more run in the darkness before Daylight Savings Time. Yay!!

Home to Stuart, Dan and the dogs, Thai food and the very disturbing "Batman: The Dark Knight" on DVD. They're still watching it as I write this, but I'm already anticipating nightmares from the thriller elements of the first half of the movie, so I walked out midway to write this entry instead.

Emotionally, I think I'm spent today. I have to work tomorrow, but am ready for another weekend. At the same time, I'm filled with gratitude to be surrounded by friends, family and acquaintances who, knowingly or not, are able to buoy me and give me strength when I'm faltering. I know I'll be okay. Today was a reminder that there is a process I need to go through and no matter how hard I try, I can't just put it aside. But, I have faith ("be not afraid"). I have the love of those around me ("I'm nuts about you"). And I have two grandmothers in Heaven right now who helped make me strong, and they wouldn't have it any other way.

Sharing a hobby

My stepson Daniel arrived Tuesday evening for a ten day visit from California. Unless you and your folks are best friends, I've found that one of the challenges of adult children visiting their parents is how to spend that "quality time". I know it's something I sort of dread when visiting my own parents -- these are the people that raised you, but you have different lives and different interests. How do you find ways to enjoy time together without always carrying the baggage of childhood with you.

We love Daniel very much and hate that for now he has chosen to establish his life so far away. But, in terms of how we spend our free time, his choices and our's tend to be radically different. And especially with Stuart's shoulder not working right now, things like golf (which was a hobby they used to share together when Dan was younger) aren't an option. So yesterday we proposed that he come to spin class with us. Surprisingly he was game.

We arrived super early to get good bikes (turns out they've redone the cycle room and they're all good now), get Daniel set up, and just get an extra 30min of riding done. It took him about 20 min to get dialed in and comfortable, but he was pretty open minded about it. This wasn't our favorite instructor, but it was kind of fun to watch Stuart and Dan working and sweating side by side. He hung with it through the entire workout, which was impressive for a first-timer.

Afterwards, he kept a positive attitude, but wouldn't commit to doing it once more with us next week before he leaves. Whether he does or doesn't, I know it meant a lot to Stuart (and to me) that he was willing to engage in something important to us. And maybe we gave him a peek into the benefits, fun and endorphins that are involved in healthy lifestyle choices. The real challenge as parents is how to find those of his pasttimes and pursuits that we aren't in conflict about, and engage him. Let him broaden our view into his world.