Topsy Turvy Day

Thank goodness for friends, acquaintances and good old-fashioned sweat. After Daniel's supposed last night here, during which he cooked an amazing meal for us, Julie, and Bill, and then at midnight per his request I gave him a haircut with the dog clippers(!), I knew the morning would dawn early. As I walked into work, grabbing a big cup of coffee, it finally hit me that my Granni was gone. That now I didn't have any grandmothers. I suddenly felt very lost and sitting at my desk found myself in tears.

My sister-in-law Connie had emailed me last week that she knew sometimes it takes a while before the reality of death sets in. And I think that because we came back from her funeral and immediately had to get ready for Dan's arrival, I sort of filed it away. Sad, but coping. So this morning, having said goodbye to Daniel and therefore realizing we were moving back into normal day-to-day life, that grief kind of hit. Not just missing my Granni, but also missing my Grandma (who died in 2004) all over again. Two amazing women who played such central roles in my life. My heart aches that I'll never hear their voices call me by their pet names for me. Never feel either of them hug me. Never hear Granni say "I'm nuts about you" or Grandma say "be not afraid" - my little catch phrase with each of them. And I'm sad.

It's something I suppose is to be expected, but not great timing as I was prepping for a big meeting with my client and the characters over at the Pentagon. An email to my uncle, a call to one of my best friends, and a hug from another friend who happened to stick her head in my cube (thanks, KZ!), and I managed to pull myself together without any of the client staff realizing that moments earlier I had mascara leaking down my face. Luckily, the meeting was actually energizing. I enjoy negotiations and it got me in a more positive mood. On the way home, I also talked to Erin and we're both so ready to kick off the new Girls on the Run season next week. I know I was in need of reasons to smile, to shore up the hole in my heart.

Get home, putzing around, and Stuart's phone rings. It's Dan, still at BWI and his flight was cancelled due to weather in Minneapolis (his layover). So, he's headed back to Arlington for one more night with us. Great, no problem. I cry a little bit more to Stuart but then get ready for the =PR= run.

What a surprise -- Amy actually shows up tonight!! (just teasing, since I know she reads this). It was a tough route, but one I'd recommended a month or so ago since it's partially through this really pretty neighborhood that I love. Lots of steady uphills, so no rest for the weary. Amy, Shannon and I ran together, and they wouldn't let me slack. I felt sluggish, and was breathing very hard the whole way -- definitely a tough tempo run. Usually I can always manage to at least come up with a burst of speed for the last block or two sprint back to the store. Not tonight, I just didn't have that extra gear. I hung in there, but it wasn't too pretty! 4.5miles in less than 45min including stops at multiple stoplights, so that's not too shabby I suppose. And, it did help a little bit that it was in the high 50s. So nice to wear capris and just one long-sleeve shirt. 23 days until spring!!!! We're all so psyched that we only have one more run in the darkness before Daylight Savings Time. Yay!!

Home to Stuart, Dan and the dogs, Thai food and the very disturbing "Batman: The Dark Knight" on DVD. They're still watching it as I write this, but I'm already anticipating nightmares from the thriller elements of the first half of the movie, so I walked out midway to write this entry instead.

Emotionally, I think I'm spent today. I have to work tomorrow, but am ready for another weekend. At the same time, I'm filled with gratitude to be surrounded by friends, family and acquaintances who, knowingly or not, are able to buoy me and give me strength when I'm faltering. I know I'll be okay. Today was a reminder that there is a process I need to go through and no matter how hard I try, I can't just put it aside. But, I have faith ("be not afraid"). I have the love of those around me ("I'm nuts about you"). And I have two grandmothers in Heaven right now who helped make me strong, and they wouldn't have it any other way.